Gendered

Lydia has a doctor's kit that she really enjoys using while pretending to be a doctor. She kind of reminds me of my own pediatrician, since she seems to relish giving me shots. Recently, her stethoscope broke, and she expressed interest in a new doctor's kit. The conversation went like so many conversations we have lately seem to go - in the direction of pink.

"Mom, I want a pink doctor's kit," she informed me. "With a pink stethoscope."
"Pink?" I scoffed, "Real doctors don't use pink stethoscopes!" I tried reasoning.
"That's OK. I'm not a real doctor."
Darn, her logic was unassailable.

The thing is, why do they even make pink doctor's kits? Don't get me wrong - I love pink. It's not about pink, it's about the gender norms it represents. Why are so many toys gendered from such a young age these days? Why are floaties, pull-ups, sippy cups, receiving blankets, popper push toys, bibs, strollers, car seats, kids' flatware/plates, and now even Legos (this list could go on and on) gendered? Why did we move away from babies in white gowns?

Photo of two babies taken 1905-1913, by Beverly

Everything around my daughters seems to be pink, even though I am a mother who actively resists societal norms about gender. Lydia definitely has gotten the message from the world around her that pink is for girls, and she always chooses pink if given the option. I find myself constantly being torn - I want to allow her to have agency to make her own choices, even if they are pink ones. I get that it is a normal part of development to understand and assert sex differences - the cognitive development questions at Lydia's 3-year check up included, "Are you a girl or a boy? Am I a girl or a boy?" Yet, I worry that if something doesn't come in pink - like a soccer ball, a science kit, a guitar, or hiking boots - she won't even see those activities as in the realm of her life possibilities. I'm concerned that she will see boys as so fundamentally different from her that she won't form healthy relationships with them. Despite the feminist movement, it seems like social norms about gender limit possibilities for our children at a younger and younger age.

I recently heard an interesting radio program on understanding gender non-conforming children. The one guest who is a mother of a gender non-conforming child shared about how her son gravitated towards Barbie and pink shoes starting around age 2, and how challenging it can be to support him as he is bullied and mocked by others for his gender non-conforming preferences and behaviors. The experts talked about understanding and support for gender non-conforming children, but what none of the guests talked about was the fact that pink is not something that is inherently feminine - that is an American social construct! There are biological differences between men and women, but the intra-sex variance is greater than the inter-sex variance on all of the areas of difference. It seems to me that at least part of the solution for supporting gender non-conforming children - and all of our children - is to stop teaching them from the moment they come out of the womb that boys and girls are so different that they each need separate toys, hygiene products and clothes. Yet, I haven't successfully figured out how to do that in the age of pink Legos.